I’ve successfully stood in exactly zero lines thus far.  I’ve met a comely heroine, a kindly wizard and a pair of leather-clad ruffians. Nearing the show floor entrance, here’s what we’re working with:

Beardly Beefsbane, with updated stats. Now with wristband.

Inventory

I’ve still got my trusty rucksack and gummy bears, but have consumed ½ of the PB&J sandwich since we last met. Questing makes a hero peckish.

The Quest Continues

With great speed I passed through the mouth of The Great Gate, waved on without delay by the Wizard World Staff Sentinel (thanks, Wristband of Access). I entered what I can only describe as an architectural esophagus, a throughway where attendees moved in and out of the Edward Jones Dome. My Earthbound vocabulary might call this a hallway, but I fear that term doesn’t do this particular version justice. This hallway contained great spectacles and lurid hawkers, slinging their handbills into any open paw or gauntlet extended outward from the passing stream. I shuffled my feet along, trying to match the pace of the adventurers around me, but nay, I was still unable to avoid the inevitable accidental shufflehump.

As I moved through the human maelstrom of the hallway, I spotted a vehicle, a noble mount named Bumblebee. I tried, but we were unable to communicate in Common Tongue. WISDOM -1

Alas, The Show Floor!

The cavernous interior artery gave way to The Show Floor. Above the heads and helmets and headpieces of cosplayers I caught a glimpse of the epic Lion Forge Comics booth, the makers of many a lauded tome. The majesty and scale of this structure was unrivaled on the day. This would be my first way station! My quest today had many important sub-quests, and one of them was to meet the artists behind the resurrection of some of my favorite franchises: Knight Rider and Air Wolf.

My first way station. CONSTITUTION +10

The Lion Forge Booth rewards revelers with a bounty of treasure.

Lion Forge artisans offered commission sketches of known Heroes of the Realm. WISDOM +1

Their hands were steady and true, able to render the mysteries of the universe in ink. DEXTERITY +1

A Vast Trove of Intrigue

I recuperated and departed the safety of the Lion Forge Booth (with whom I am now allied) to venture out into the fray. The pace was hurried and my fellow adventurers were bloodthirsty consumers, thumbing through coin and lusting after goods and supplies not oft found in the Kingdom of St. Louis.

This wasn’t a treacherous dungeon. This wasn’t an exhaustive maze, with unknown danger lurking around every turn.

This ranger concluded that what I stood in was, beneath the surface, a dense and cacophonous marketplace.

A bookish hawker offered a copy of Akira, a prized possession in my own personal collection, for a price never before imagined. WISDOM +1

An armory, equipped with (foam) weapons from far-off realms and galaxies.

I chose to wield an Orc’s Sledge, which was apparently enchanted with a spell that prevents its user from using the MANUAL FOCUS correctly. STRENGTH +1, DEXTERITY -1

For the Ranger hoping for something more mature in humor, One Man Surf Party offered some gaming-inspired original tees. INTELLIGENCE +2

In a bizarre twist of fate, I was given the opportunity to (briefly) speak with The Ultimate Warrior mere days before his untimely demise.

I used my keen Ranger eyesight to identify a rare pair of Jnco Jeans, an artifact not seen in the wild since I was a young page.

A strange force pulled me West, to the home of the St. Louis R2 Builders Group.

Seriously. They were building actual robots. INTELLIGENCE +4

I came upon a booth where real-life heroes were immortalized (entombed?) in polymer. Zero Point 3D offered adventurers the opportunity to 3D-print an action figure that wore their very visage. Sorcery! WISDOM +2

A glimpse of royalty! I was able to keep company with Ser Daniel San (Ralph Macchio) in exchange for 40 Coins of the Realm ($40). Pictured here with Ser Jason of Flamingos and his consort. CONSTITUTION +4

A Quest to Remember

Wizard World was an excellent opportunity to level up my character while finding genuine joy in the moment. I emphatically recommend that you arrange a quest of your own next year, or at any upcoming Wiz Con or Comic Con in your immediate prefecture.

As with every good quest, we end with a bard’s tale to pass on the lore and celebrate the majesty that was this day’s Leveling-Up!

Ocarina audio taken from a young bard from Songbird Ocarina performing for fans @ Wizard World

THE BALLAD OF BEARDLEY BEEFSBANE

AND THE WIZARD’S KEEP

A grizzled rogue ranger

Ventured deep into the World

Of Wizards and Heroes

A great tale was unfurled

Steampunks and heroines

A broad swath of cosplay

Their souls and bold fleshy bits

Laid out for display

Hawkers and barkers

All manner of song

A fool’s ear hears melody

A sales pitch too strong

Robots and miniatures

Your face on a doll

But watching the people

Was best of all